I think like some people, my fear about becoming a parent wasn’t if I really wanted kids, or if we could handle the day to day of being a parent. For me, it was more about if I was able to give myself completely and selflessly to a little human. Could I give myself to this little baby in ways I have never given myself to anyone before? At 31 I’m more confident in my body than I ever have been, which I’ve struggled with for years…my skin, my boobs, you ladies know how it goes. That doesn’t mean I don’t have my insecurities or bad days now. I simply care less than I did in my 20s. That’s the strange thing about hitting your 30s, all of the sudden things make sense, you care less, you learn to love and respect yourself more, and you also learn to say “f*ck it”! 30’s really have been the best so far.
People love to say every girl dreams about her wedding, about becoming a mom. I was not that girl. I didn’t have anything against the two, or people who dreamed of those things, but it’s not something I have memories of. Sure I played with my baby dolls (embarrassingly longer than I “should” have) and I loved the idea of love, sappy movies and romance. Meeting Rob, dating, and planning our wedding will always be some of the best times for me, but these things never defined who I was or who I would or wanted to be when I was younger. Because of that I often wondered if I could ever be a mother…could I be a good mother?
While we dated and were engaged, Rob and I both said we didn’t want kids. There was so much we wanted to do and see. Everyone would say, “that will all change one day”, and I laughed it off numerous times. It started to become annoying and I found myself rolling my eyes so hard I’m surprised they didn’t stick in the back of my head. Sometimes people made me feel guilty about it, but then I thought about how happy we were in our current stage in life and how much fun we were having.
I know pregnancy isn’t easy and it has already shown me its ups and downs, but I find myself looking at this journey as something truly magical. I’m not a religious person, so I’m not one to say this is a blessing, but I feel so immensely grateful to be able to carry this baby. Being able to see my body change before my eyes has been the craziest thing I’ve ever experienced. Sure, I still have my bad days (we all do and we should never feel bad for that) and I know after the baby comes I’ll want to get back to my original weight, regular clothes (getting dressed has become interesting), etc. For now I’m just in awe that I have the privilege to grow this tiny human and create a home for them for the next several months before we finally get to meet him/her.
I’m just about 16 weeks today and this little one is really making him/herself seen. Tomorrow we have another appt with our OB and I hope we get to find out the gender. We can’t wait. I can’t wait to be this little one’s mom.