I Never Knew If I Would Be A Mother

Jan 14, 2019 | By Christina
Thoughts On Becoming a MotherThe other day I was in the shower looking down at my belly that has grown quite a bit to me. Some days it probably just looks like I had a super carby Italian dinner, but recently this little bump popped and I have become so excited at the idea of my body changing.

I think like some people, my fear about becoming a parent wasn’t if I really wanted kids, or if we could handle the day to day of being a parent. For me, it was more about if I was able to give myself completely and selflessly to a little human. Could I give myself to this little baby in ways I have never given myself to anyone before? At 31 I’m more confident in my body than I ever have been, which I’ve struggled with for years…my skin, my boobs, you ladies know how it goes. That doesn’t mean I don’t have my insecurities or bad days now. I simply care less than I did in my 20s. That’s the strange thing about hitting your 30s, all of the sudden things make sense, you care less, you learn to love and respect yourself more, and you also learn to say “f*ck it”! 30’s really have been the best so far.

People love to say every girl dreams about her wedding, about becoming a mom. I was not that girl. I didn’t have anything against the two, or people who dreamed of those things, but it’s not something I have memories of. Sure I played with my baby dolls (embarrassingly longer than I “should” have) and I loved the idea of love, sappy movies and romance. Meeting Rob, dating, and planning our wedding will always be some of the best times for me, but these things never defined who I was or who I would or wanted to be when I was younger. Because of that I often wondered if I could ever be a mother…could I be a good mother?

While we dated and were engaged, Rob and I both said we didn’t want kids. There was so much we wanted to do and see. Everyone would say, “that will all change one day”, and I laughed it off numerous times. It started to become annoying and I found myself rolling my eyes so hard I’m surprised they didn’t stick in the back of my head. Sometimes people made me feel guilty about it, but then I thought about how happy we were in our current stage in life and how much fun we were having.

16 weeks baby bumpAs the years went on, we began to talk about it more and more…suddenly it felt like “the right time”…suddenly we both had this big place in our hearts for a little baby that would be a piece of me and a piece of Rob. Just talking about these feelings together felt surreal and excited us beyond words. Last year the talks became more serious and it was such an indescribable feeling to want to give myself to a little human like this….to feel like I was ready to….to daydream about becoming a mom and to think of Rob as a dad. We’d talk about us brining a little one to the science center here in Phoenix, or spending Sundays in our pajamas with messy hair and a little babe strapped to my chest.

I know pregnancy isn’t easy and it has already shown me its ups and downs, but I find myself looking at this journey as something truly magical. I’m not a religious person, so I’m not one to say this is a blessing, but I feel so immensely grateful to be able to carry this baby. Being able to see my body change before my eyes has been the craziest thing I’ve ever experienced. Sure, I still have my bad days (we all do and we should never feel bad for that) and I know after the baby comes I’ll want to get back to my original weight, regular clothes (getting dressed has become interesting), etc. For now I’m just in awe that I have the privilege to grow this tiny human and create a home for them for the next several months before we finally get to meet him/her.

I’m just about 16 weeks today and this little one is really making him/herself seen. Tomorrow we have another appt with our OB and I hope we get to find out the gender. We can’t wait. I can’t wait to be this little one’s mom.

52 comments on “I Never Knew If I Would Be A Mother”

  1. Congratulations! I’ve just had my first baby – he’s 6 weeks old today. The appreciation I have for my body is indescribable. Not only has it housed and fed him for 9 months but it’s still providing everything he needs! It’s hard work but you’ll love it!!

    1. Oh my gosh – Congrats! It has amazed each day how my body has grown and each time we visit the doctor and hear that heart beat it feels amazing. Truly incredible! Hope you’ve been enjoying all the baby cuddles and making it through the crazy nights too. 😉 XO

  2. Thank you for writing this – I also never grew up dreaming of weddings or kids so when it happened there was a little voice inside my head that said maybe I’d be inferior in some way because it was never on my agenda. Reading your post made me feel so much better knowing I’m not the only one. I also find out the gender tomorrow! I hope it’s magical for you too.

    1. I completely understand that feeling of inferiority when feeling like you may not want children. There was definitely a lot of guilt that came along with that too, but (I’m sure like yourself) it feels so good to make that decision on my terms and be able to welcome this baby with a full heart and mind. I’m so excited for you! I hope to share more here about the pregnancy journey….the love some women have shown here has been indescribable. I’m looking forward to us all being able to chat together, even it just through comments. 🙂 XO

  3. Love this so much! I really appreciate your transparency. I’ve had the same thoughts and Shawn and I feel the same way now as you guys felt, we get those same “you’ll understand when you have children” comments and I have wondered myself if I even want children. I’m 26 and Shawn is 29, we’ve been married since I was 23. We have yet to have any serious baby discussions but I’m not in any rush. 😆 It’s really comforting to read I’m not the only one that has had feelings like this/a similar experience!!

    Thanks again for sharing!! So so excited for you and so excited to read more about your guys little one and your experiences to come!

    1. Thank you so much christine for the well wishes and comment! You guys may decide its for you and you may not…no matter what, don’t allow anyone to make you feel like any less of a wife or woman for that decision. What’s best for you and your husband as a couple is all that matters. It took me a long time to realize that, but I’m glad I did. Thanks again for following along! XO

  4. So happy you written this post. I’m in my early 20’s but the kid question has popped up a lot and my mindset has been similiar to yours. I wonder if I will ever feel ready or change my mind and this has helped me realise that it is possible but right now I need to grow, Travel and explore. Congrats on your pregnancy!


    1. Good for you Elle! It can be hard to identify what is right for yourself at any age, so bravo for finding out what makes your heart happy and going for it. Travel has been so amazing for us and something we hope to continue with the baby when the time is right. We have grown and learned so much through visiting other places. XO

  5. It’s so beautiful to watch someone experience this special time in life. Enjoy every second of it! My daughter is three now, but I recall those early days very fondly. It’s crazy, but I completely identify with your story, and always doubted whether I wanted a child. But my husband’s energy and desire to be a father was so positive and infectious, that I gladly gave in. Best choice I’ve ever made. However, now I get constant questions about when the next one will come, and it’s a bit aggravating because I’m a one-and-done type of girl. You’ll be getting a lot of unsolicited advice along the way. Always trust yourself in all decisions. Congratulations 🙂

    1. Ah yes, a good friend of mine is going through the same thing….”when is the next one coming?” So crazy. People are never satisfied, haha. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having one child. Thank you so much for the encouragement and heads up on the unsolicited advice. I guess it’s unavoidable. Haha! Oh man…you just have to be able to laugh, right? 😉 Thanks so much for following along and taking the time to comment. I hope to share more about this here and keep a dialog going with the moms and moms-to-be! XO

  6. Beautiful post! Such an exciting time in your life. You look beautiful and that little bump looks great on you!

  7. Hello !
    Your article is really touching and your words resonate in me.

    I am also considering having a baby. I’m really looking forward to this adventure, despite all the things involved. May I horribly scared … afraid to get fat and stay fat, not to find my current body, my weight, that would make me sick. I’m afraid to see me with big arms, legs, buttocks …

  8. This was so beautifully written, Christina . Even tho I’ve been through pregnancy 5 times, I get giddy and I’m excited for you two! I look forward to following your journey! (And how you dress your bump!)🤗 love you both!

    1. Thank you Heather! You’ll have to give me some pointers since going through it 5 times. 🙂 That’s amazing! Dressing the bump has been interesting these days. Ha!

  9. Congratulations! I’m pregnant with my second and was amazed how much appreciation I had for my body after carrying my first baby. Things that used to bother me about my belly or my boobs were suddenly replaced with pride for what they had just done. I breastfed for a year and am still amazed that my body kept my tiny baby nourished during that time. I am 34 and agree that I have become more forgiving of my “faults” in my 30’s but I also think carrying a baby and those first few hard months with a newborn really show you how strong you are…it’s very empowering! I’ve never felt better about my body and I wish the same for you too!

    1. I love hearing this, Joy. Thank you so much for sharing about your pregnancy and how you felt about your body…I feel like it’s not spoken about enough, but I love how empowered you felt. It’s very encouraging and makes me even more excited about this time. XO Thanks again!

  10. Congrats on your pregnancy and a wonderful reflection of your thoughts. You’re not alone… I feel I could have written this page myself 😌. I had my first at 32… my 30’s went by in a blink! They were the hardest, most life changing (in many aspects) and wonderful years! I’m 42 now …. and let me tell you… It’s a whole other ball-game in a whole other field. Cherish your moments and document them… you’ll love to one day look back and remember how you once thought.
    Can’t wait to have a glimpse of what will surely be a gorgeous babe!😊

    1. Thank you Rose. We’ve always loved documenting our lives together, but over the last few years we’ve really grown curious about our parents’ lives before us…how they felt at our age, what they were up to, etc. Sometimes its more than just a photo…journaling is so important. I’m glad you feel the same way. I’ll be 31 when this baby is born and I’ll definitely keep in mind what you’ve shared with me. 🙂 xo

  11. So happy for you guys! I totally share your feelings about not daydreaming about motherhood…and now I have two children! It’s challenging but fun! People will give you all sorts of advice, often unrequested, and I am going to be one of those people 🙂 sorry but I feel it’s my duty as a mother to share this with mothers-to-be: be kind to your post pregnancy body. Don’t feel pressured to “snap back”, you will, just give it time. It takes 9 months to create and grow a human being in it while keeping you alive and strong at the same time, give it enough time to recover without worrying about getting your pre pregnancy clothes back on. You’ll look beautiful anyway 😉

    1. I will gladly take advice about being kind to my body…we could all use that reminder. I may have to print out your comment and keep it close by as a reminder for after pregnancy. So far, I’ve enjoyed watching my body change, but I know it’s just getting started. 😉

  12. Congratulations!
    Your blog makes so much sense… Loved reading it. I’m 15 weeks now, and I felt my entire life like you did. Traveling the world, making crazy plans… And I actually still do. I can so relate to the “eyes rolling” part. 🙈 I still do that to people who say that the life I live will be over once there is a little baby. I think we’ll manage… 😉
    Enjoy your pregnancy and I hope everything will go well!

  13. I am SO excited for you. I am a new mom to a boy named Bodhi and all I kept thinking during my pregnancy is “this really IS the most magical time of my life”. I just felt such a connection to life and felt like I understood the “big picture” whatever that means to anyone but life came togethet in the most magical way!

    1. aww baby Bodhi! How cute! Congrats on your little one! I’m so happy you had a good pregnancy journey. It’s crazy how this time can really put things into perspective. xo

  14. I’m so happy for you guys. This is such a real and sweet post. So excited to see family photos of you guys together!

  15. A huge congrats!! My story sounds so similar to yours. We decided to go for it and, of course, I absolutely cannot imagine life without our smart, funny little girl. She’s almost 6 now and although we decided to only have one, it has made life so so awesome. Really excited for you as Rob to experience the endless love that is literally an unexplainable feeling! 😘❤️

    1. Woah – 6! I can’t even imagine what our little one will be like then. It must be so fun to watch her personality develop each day and see little bits of yourself and family in her. Thank you so much for the well wishes…we’re so excited!!! XO

  16. Hey you’re the same amount of pregnant as me! Starting to see a bump makes it so much more real and I’m starting to realize I’ve only ever thought of being a mother in a vague conceptual way. I think it won’t fully hit until I see him/her. For now I like to think of it as a continuation, like everything I’ve gotten and learned from my parents and grandparents I’m going to give to someone else and that feels really special for some reason.

    1. Yay! I’m so glad we’re going through this together. I really want moms and moms-to-be to able to communicate here. You must be so excited and yes, I’m with you – watching the bump make an appearance has been so fun! XO

  17. You look beautiful and I’m so happy that your pregnancy is such a positive experience. I am having the entirely opposite experience, and I’m hoping that if someone reading this post felt as sad reading your blog post as I did, that they can know they are not alone.
    I always felt like I was meant to be a mother. I have been waiting since I was 19 for the day when I would fall pregnant. Recently, at 24 years old the day surprisingly came. But pregnancy has not been good to me so far. I am experiencing so many changes, and they have come along with severe anxiety and depression, fear, 24/7 excruciating nausea, constant headaches, and so much more. I have truly hated pregnancy so far, and I’m crushed by that fact.
    I don’t think people speak about the hard parts enough. Having to get up 5 times a night to pee, throwing up in the bushes several times a week, this feeling of total isolation during the first trimester when you’re “supposed” to keep it a secret, a crippling fear of miscarriage or infant deformaties….
    Anyways, I hope I can come to a place where I am at peace with pregnancy like you seem to be, but please, share about your challenges as well as the perfect parts! You might give someone the encouragement they need.

    1. Hi Kayla – I’m so sorry to hear your first trimester has been tough so far. You’re definitely not alone, and I plan on sharing more details about my first trimester and so far what I’ve been experiencing in the second. I wanted this post to be more about my thoughts and feelings going into parenthood and getting pregnant. Please don’t feel like you’re alone in the anxiety or uncertainty. We definitely waited a while before sharing anything with friends and extended family members. We are nervous people to begin with, so I’m with you on that one. There’s been a lot of ups and downs. Hopefully in the end, things get a little easier and the joy you entered into this pregnancy with all shines through again when you meet your little one. XO

  18. oh goodness, my love, i just loved to read this little update. <3 you know, we all arrive to parenthood in our own ways, whether we do at all. and goodness, oh goodness, all these feelings you have and all the questions you had in the years leading up…they just show how good, how deeply feeling and present a mother you already are. believe me. when baby comes, it's amazing how the landscape of life changes…and also how much it stays the same, in a way. robbie and i believe so deeply that when you bring a child home, you simply bring them into your life. there are days that are a quiet chaos, haha, but you know, things taking a bit longer and staying in pjs all day sometimes ~ they just become your new, beautiful normal. but it's really just another wonderful person with whom to share all the bits of life you love…to cook and eat well, someone new to play your old favorite songs, another travel companion. i'm so, so sure that you & rob talk about this all the time, too. gosh, it's going to be so great. i'm just over the moon for you two ~ no, for you *three*!

    1. Bridget!! Thank you so much for your message! Everything you said, is everything Rob and I have been talking about for the last year or so, and I’m so glad to hear it from someone who has already experienced it! I’ll definitely be messaging you about…well, maybe everything. 😉 haha! Thank you for the love, the positivity and for being a friend! XO

  19. I think you guys will do great! I think the most important thing to remember is that kids need us to be happy and completely ourselves. Of course, things will change. Something will be harder to do with a baby, but they also grow super quick and adapt so easily. So, at some point, you’ll find yourselves doing all the things you love, only you’ll have the most perfect little buddy doing it all right along side ☺️

    1. Thank you for this reminder Isabel….setting a good example, sharing moments of joy as well as how to process sadness and some negative emotions as well, is so important. Hoping we can be those people…we are looking forward to it and guiding this little one. We cant wait! XO

  20. First of all: Congrats to both of you! Here’s to a happy and healthy pregnancy! 🙂

    It’s so hard sometimes to put into words what holding onto that tiny human does to you. For years I didn’t know if I physically could have a baby, having been misdiagnosed as having PCOS. I can recall the first time I heard that I was around 18 and of course in no rush to be a mom anyway. But when my husband and I started seriously talking about starting a family I just burst into tears because no one wants to feel like they don’t have the CHOICE of becoming a mom.

    Fast forward to last summer when I found out I was 3 months pregnant… it all seemed too surreal. I had a smooth pregnancy, rough labor and even harder post-partum. But man oh man, when that baby boy calls me Mama and reaches for me… My heart just swells to an unbelievable size. It feels like this whole time you’ve just been waiting for someone to come along and just look at you with unconditional love. I see not only my husband in him, but it’s neat to see my grandparents in him. The scowl on his face reminds me of my dad and the way his ridiculously long lashes catch the light reminds me of my mother-in-law. It’s all the beautiful aspects of life and family rolled into this precious little wonder.

    People will come to you with advice, wanted or not. Some mean well and others want to justify their judgement. This is YOUR pregnancy. YOU get to decide what/who you listen to. But I’m telling you when you see your tyke for the first time, you’ll swear that your heart is going to explode.

    All the best, future mama! You’re gonna do great!

  21. Congratulations! I always thought it would be exciting to see you two as parents and here you are on your way! 🙂 My daughter just turned 2 and I’m 13 weeks pregnant now. Becoming a mom was a wonderful decision, my daughter brings joy to our lives each and everyday and now with a second one on the way it is magical journey! It is amazing to love and care for a child so much and feel that love in return. You’ll make a wonderful mama, congrats!

  22. I was the same way!! I got pregnant when I was 31 and we had been married for almost 12 years. We went through a long stage in our marriage thinking we never wanted kids. We felt too selfish to have kids. Our son is now 3 years old and the best thing that ever happened to us. Pregnancy was hard for me, labor was even worse (hello, 57 hour labor!), But every day parenthood gets better and better. That first smile, the first time they say “mama”, the first steps… The first time they say “I love you” without you saying it first. Lately, our son has been coming up to us randomly during the day and saying “can we snuggle?” It’s amazing. We wanted to travel more before we had a kid, but now I’m so happy that when we do travel, we will be getting to share that experience with him. Life is just better with him in it.

  23. You are looking stunning Christina! I always loving hearing these stories, it is personal but yet so interesting to hear. It is so sweet how the need for starting your own family can grow so naturally.
    I always wanted to be pregnant and have children, from my childhood on. I had such a great childhood that I couldn’t wait to give my kids the same, even when it was still going strong, haha!
    I wish at times I had that patience to see where things are heading, unfortunately the age of my husband had us making these big decisions earlier. However, no regrets now, I am 31 too and our youngest is now almost three and things are getting so much easier nowadays.
    That doesn’t mean the first years are so miserable, far from! I enjoyed every stage. But now the girls have stories to tell about their days at school, share the dreams and the things they love are showing. My eldest is an artist and animal lover at heart and our youngest probably will join a band later in life. The best is seeing your child evolve, in the belly and outside. Enjoy it!

  24. I think it’s just wonderful to have someone share different perspectives on motherhood in such a candid conversation. Families come in all different shapes, colors and sizes. It’s empowering to see women be honest about these personal choices, despite societal pressures. Our opinions on if, how, and when we want families change and grow as we change and grow. Thank you for being forthright with us about your own journey. We look forward to seeing your family grow! @amandasluxelife

  25. Thank you so much for sharing this! I have also always felt the same way about being a mother – I just turned 32 and am now thinking of it more as a reality and embracing it for some time in the next year or two. You are one of a few people/bloggers who I follow on Instagram that I don’t know, but who I find so inspiring. Excited to see the two of your’s journey with a little babe! xx

  26. Oh Christina, we are cut from the same cloth. I couldn’t agree more about being in your thirties. It’s just such a freeing time. Since Cory & I have been together for over 12 years now, it’s no surprise we often get the kids question & honestly, we can imagine a happy life both ways. But I do think you know when you’re ready to turn the page & start a new chapter. I’m so happy for you guys!

  27. I have been following your blog for a long time now. I am beyond excited for you both. I feel like I know you guys. : )

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